Forgiveness is the fragrance the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it. ~Mark Twain
How do you get past that place in your heart where you see the hurt and pain that one person or a system caused you? When will you ever forget the unforgettable? How do you forgive the unforgivable? Does time really heal all wounds? What do I gain in forgiving; doesn’t it mean that I have given the other person the edge over me? Many are times, when we are faced with situations or are in positions where we have to forgive and just see it as being to hard to do.
The definition of forgiveness to some has never been easy to understand, the thought of forgive and forget stressing on the forgetting part is just too difficult to accept. Having searched your inner soul to find an answer or justifiable reason for ones hurtful action against you, and failing to get one usually posses a major problem for people who have been hurt and are told that they need to forgive. This clearly shows that the difficulty in our ability as humans to forgive is not in the act itself but in the way we define it.
We fail to see it as the essential act of love that it is, which helps to bring a sense of focus backs to one’s life, and re-establishes the harmony that has been disturbed. It is not seen for the peace of mind that it brings and the key to action and freedom that it offers. The eye opener and gift that forgiveness is; not only to the one being forgiven but the one who is willing to forgive is hardly ever realized. The gift of knowing, that when you forgive; you as an individual now have a chance to be forgiven further down life’s road.
To understand the meaning of ‘forgive and forget’ one needs to examine this phrase, looking closely at the words in use and the way they are used. This phrase does not communicate that forgiving is forgetting as many confuse it and take it to mean. Furthermore forgetting here does not mean putting the whole situation out of your mind either. In simple terms forgetting expresses that you should let go! Let go of the hurt. It means that we have to decide not to allow the experience of the past and this hurt to dominate our future. It instructs that we should never allow this hurt to control our actions, abilities, behavior and attitudes even towards those who caused the hurt. Forgetting means that you prepare yourself to move forward.
In order to make the phrase easier to accept, one may first need to acknowledge that forgiveness does not change the past, but it can broaden the outcome of the future. Know that pardon should never justify, seek to down play or avoid the hurt. The way you felt, the “hurt” does matter; the fact will always remain that a problem arouse, you were wronged, you felt emotionally wounded by it. Further more to make excuses for the actions or try to deny that the hurt is real; is not only being dishonest with yourself but with the individual who you want to forgive.
More so, to give the apology that the person responsible for the hurt is only human and because of our imperfection as such they should be excused, minimizes our distinction as human who are given the free will of choice and therefore have the ability to decide between right and wrong. It is always important to note that we as human beings must at all times accept responsibility for our actions. “If one was really not to blame, then there is nothing to forgive. In that sense forgiveness and excusing are almost opposite.” C. S. Lewis Fern seeds and Elephants.
Consider this quote; “genuine forgiveness does not deny anger but faces it head-on” Alice Miller. Having accepted the hurt, forgiveness now becomes the process and attitude of working to let go, of releasing ourselves from the emotional negativity associated with the person who you felt wronged by. Realizing that the longer we hold on to the pain, the more it is that we give the person the edge to continue to hurt us. It is about moving on to the next point in your life without wanting to hurt the individual back. ‘An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind.’ (Mahatma Gandhi) It’s being conscious of the fact, that not being willing to forgive hurts the soul, body and mind even more than the problem itself. Holding on prevents you from retaining the happiness, joy and peace of mind you may have once experienced. To be wronged is nothing unless you continuously hold on to it.
While at times it may be best to literally not allow the person back into your life for example; in cases where they continue to pose unremitting harm and threat to your life and those you love. Forgiveness is appreciating that if needs be or if the occasion arises and they are in need of help you take pity on them and assist them with your whole heart, not half or a quarter of it. You offer the hand of friendship to the person who has offended you. You do so without hostility and hatred. “You will know that forgiveness has begun when you recall those who hurt you and feel the power to wish them well.” Lewis Smedes
Let the evidence which presents itself in many countries around the world, in present time and years gone by; of how holding on to grievances and not having the forgiving spirit, not only hurts the ones who the problem exist between, but causes thousand to suffer pain, even from generation to generation speak for it self. Let it remind you that if you love you should always seek to never bestow hurt. “Without forgiveness life is governed by... an endless cycle of resentment and retaliation.” Roberto Assagioli. Ask yourself; is living a life like this really worth living at all or living to the fullest? Do you want to continue hurting others and deny even yourself from healing: spiritually, mentally and physically?
Looking at forgiveness from a psychological perspective Enright and the Human Development Study Group sums it up nicely; Forgiveness is the overcoming of negative affect and judgment toward the offender, not by denying ourselves the right to such affect and judgment, but by endeavoring to view the offender with benevolence, compassion, and even love, while recognizing that he or she has abandoned the right to them.
They continue to explain that the important parts of this definition are as follows: a) one who forgives has suffered a deep hurt, thus showing resentment; b) the offended person has a moral right to resentment but overcomes it nonetheless; c) a new response to the other accrues, including compassion and love; d) this loving response occurs despite the realization that there is no obligation to love the offender (Subkoviak, Enright, Wu, Gassin, Freedman, Olson, Sarinopoulos, 1992, p.3).
Taking a spiritual and biblical approach is realizing that we ourselves daily seek mercy and pardon from our maker as many of us pray the ‘our father prayer’ where we are taught to ask for forgiveness as we forgive our debtors. Matthew 6:12 and again in Luke 11: 4 ‘and forgive us our sins; for we also forgive every one that is indebted to us…’ There is no doubt that each one of us in life have already been bestowed a great level of forgiveness from others and most importantly our Heavenly Father ‘In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of his grace.’ Ephesians 1:7. Therefore why should we allow pride to prevent us from give something that was freely given to us?
The bible further schools us that even in forgiving we have to exercise the highest level of humility and meekness; ‘you have learned how it was said: Eye for eye and tooth for tooth. But I say this to you: offer the wicked man no resistance. On the contrary, if anyone hits you on the right cheek, offer him the other as well.’ also keep in mind when Peter asked the Messiah how often he should forgive a brother who has wronged him. And he received the answer as often as seventy times seven times! Matthew 18:22
Forgiveness, as a form of revenge only holds positive attributes or effects and gives complete satisfaction. Looking for retribution in any other way, you only find yourself trying to create a new plan to out play the last plan to chastise the individual. While with a merciful and forgiving spirit; you can heal your depression caused by the hurt, liberate your soul, body and mind.
Through forgiveness and deciding to move on you gain a new vision and can explore and exploit other plans in your life when you recognize and accept that one of the simplest definitions of forgiveness is accepting that it does not change the past but gives new meaning to the future. It expresses your strength, ‘The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong’. (Mahatma Gandhi).
Maybe most importantly the best feature of being able to forgive and having a forgiving spirit every time is that it provides the evidence that you are a spiritual being apart from being just a mortal man. So don’t hold back on forgiveness. Know that forgetting simply means letting go of your hurt and moving on. Offer the sweet fragrance of pardon to the one who has offended you. And live your life to gain the greatest reward of forgiveness, mercy and compassion that is to come.
Queen F.Thomas
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